If I take a step back and examine my self- really going deep- I don't like a lot of what I see. I spend all 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with myself and it gets kind of annoying sometimes. I don't want this first blog post to turn into some pity party, but I think its pretty safe to say that I don't much like where I am and where I am going when it comes to my own personal self. Don't get me wrong- I love my husband; I love my kids; I love my home and even my job!
But I don't love me.
I'm a Christian and I'm content with that... but I think I've been hesitant in giving myself a good look and really doing what it takes to actually love myself because I've been told so often that God does not want us to love ourselves. Now, that may be true in a sense... but I'm not talking about that kind of love- the love that makes us feel as though we are the center of the universe. I'm talking about the kind of love that gives us confidence in ourselves. The kind of love that spills out and serves others. The kind that makes you want to take care of your body because its this amazing gift from God and because you need energy to serve others. The kind of love that makes you turn off "The Biggest Loser" (my favorite show) and read to your kids.
Now, on my own, without Jesus Christ, I would not be capable of that kind of love, nor would I even be inclined in that direction. However, as a Christian, I am called, no, commanded to love. Love is Law, not gospel.
And what do I do all day long? I put my own interests before the interests of others. Heck, I put my own interests before my own best interests, if that makes any sense. (Meaning, I ate more than 3 pieces of cake tonight at my son's birthday party, even though I'm overweight and I knew I wouldn't feel well afterward. Am I trying to kill my pancreas, I ask myself... not sure what the answer is yet).
The bottom line is that I'm not where I want to be- not physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally... I'm certainly not where I want to be as a wife and mother. I lack discipline.
And I really want to change...
So, I intend to fast- not just from food, but from loads of other things. I'm reading Quantum Wellness right now... New Agey? Maybe, but it doesn't have to be... and I really like what she says about seeing the person that you want to be- visualizing your goals, changing your thinking. Maybe there is something to be said for that. I'm going to use this book as my guide, but I intend to incorporate my faith into all of this. I have so many goals, so many ideas and now is the time to put it all into motion. I can't sit back in my cave of self-loathing anymore. I have to get better. Time is slipping away and all my old goals are fading into oblivion.
I'm fasting from clutter, noise, sugar, caffeine, the phone, laziness, television, anger, selfishness, tantrums... all kinds of stuff. I want to simplify and, basically, to improve myself. To like what I see and enjoy being with myself. I really do believe that, if I can accomplish this, I can better serve others and that is my ultimate goal.
How can we love our neighbor as ourself if we do not love ourself? Love can be healthy or unhealthy. Loving one's self as a Temple of the Holy Spirit and as a Child of the Living God is healthy and good and right.
ReplyDeleteChrist did not come to suck the joy out of living. And we Christians forget that sometimes.
You know, that is so true. I think, so often, I end up feeling so beaten down by my sin and my utter ungodliness that I forget the GOSPEL! I go to church and week after week, I hear the Gospel preached. And does my life reflect the truth of that Gospel? I don't think so- not as I'd like to anyway.
ReplyDeleteI look at the people around me that I admire and I know they've gone through their hard times, coming through with joy! WHAT IS THEIR SECRET?
That is what I'm trying to find out and what I'd like to blog about here.
you're pursuing the right road jennifer, i can tell by your writing here. i think you really hit on something in your comment above to anne...
ReplyDelete"so often, I end up feeling so beaten down by my sin and my utter ungodliness that I forget the GOSPEL!"
you are forgiven and free. period. and i know that you know that already - i think you just forget in the moment, as your comment describes. it is the hardest thing for even the most focused to control, so you're not alone. work on training yourself to remember, as i know that you are and will continue to do.
learning to be happy, to find joy in the right HERE, the right NOW, IS THE SECRET. you're on the right track with the areas of study you're pursuing. they are not ungodly. do not believe the hype.
you're seeking to walk the walk, and that's what it's all about. you're just fine girlie.
i enjoyed this post, hope you decide to blog some more. i'll be a "follower" (i hate that, LOL) so i can keep up. beautiful background by the way, and i'll definitely have to raid your booklist there.
i'm looking forward to getting to know you sister. :)