If I take a step back and examine my self- really going deep- I don't like a lot of what I see. I spend all 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with myself and it gets kind of annoying sometimes. I don't want this first blog post to turn into some pity party, but I think its pretty safe to say that I don't much like where I am and where I am going when it comes to my own personal self. Don't get me wrong- I love my husband; I love my kids; I love my home and even my job!
But I don't love me.
I'm a Christian and I'm content with that... but I think I've been hesitant in giving myself a good look and really doing what it takes to actually love myself because I've been told so often that God does not want us to love ourselves. Now, that may be true in a sense... but I'm not talking about that kind of love- the love that makes us feel as though we are the center of the universe. I'm talking about the kind of love that gives us confidence in ourselves. The kind of love that spills out and serves others. The kind that makes you want to take care of your body because its this amazing gift from God and because you need energy to serve others. The kind of love that makes you turn off "The Biggest Loser" (my favorite show) and read to your kids.
Now, on my own, without Jesus Christ, I would not be capable of that kind of love, nor would I even be inclined in that direction. However, as a Christian, I am called, no, commanded to love. Love is Law, not gospel.
And what do I do all day long? I put my own interests before the interests of others. Heck, I put my own interests before my own best interests, if that makes any sense. (Meaning, I ate more than 3 pieces of cake tonight at my son's birthday party, even though I'm overweight and I knew I wouldn't feel well afterward. Am I trying to kill my pancreas, I ask myself... not sure what the answer is yet).
The bottom line is that I'm not where I want to be- not physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally... I'm certainly not where I want to be as a wife and mother. I lack discipline.
And I really want to change...
So, I intend to fast- not just from food, but from loads of other things. I'm reading Quantum Wellness right now... New Agey? Maybe, but it doesn't have to be... and I really like what she says about seeing the person that you want to be- visualizing your goals, changing your thinking. Maybe there is something to be said for that. I'm going to use this book as my guide, but I intend to incorporate my faith into all of this. I have so many goals, so many ideas and now is the time to put it all into motion. I can't sit back in my cave of self-loathing anymore. I have to get better. Time is slipping away and all my old goals are fading into oblivion.
I'm fasting from clutter, noise, sugar, caffeine, the phone, laziness, television, anger, selfishness, tantrums... all kinds of stuff. I want to simplify and, basically, to improve myself. To like what I see and enjoy being with myself. I really do believe that, if I can accomplish this, I can better serve others and that is my ultimate goal.