Still Working At It

I got a wake up call from my doctor a few weeks ago. I can't be mostly vegan anymore. In fact, I probably shouldn't be a vegetarian anymore either. That. totally. blows! I had some tests for hypothyroidism and some other stuff. The only thing that came back abnormal was my cholesterol. Of course. I don't eat cholesterol but my body makes it by the gallon.

Basically, my doctor told me to go all Weston A. Price and eat bacon and butter and fermented grains. Butter? Yes. Bacon, No. I don't have anything against bacon or fish or any other kind of meat... I just can't imagine eating it. Its been so long. The idea of putting animal flesh in my mouth is abhorrent.

Don't get me wrong- if you eat meat, AWESOME! I just can't do it.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to nourish myself the vegetarian way... but with a lot of butter and yogurt thrown into the mix. I started a blog to keep track of my journey: The Nourishing Vegetarian

I'm still working at this whole health and wellness thing. I have a good feeling about this new direction. I've hired a Holistic Nutritionist to help me out... AND, she's Orthodox. Woohoo! Her blog is called Organic and Thrifty. I'll be documenting that process over on The Nourishing Vegetarian as well.

Lord, have mercy!

Do the Next Thing

I've been feeling crappy for weeks now. No energy. Headaches every day. Can't eat much. Feeling nauseated without being preggers. Can't lose weight no matter what I do. Can't concentrate. It pretty much sucks. I know there are people who have it way worse than me, so I really shouldn't be complaining. And I don't think I am. I'm just saying that something isn't right inside this ole body of mine. I'm getting tests and I am just praying that they show something. We shall see.

I'm trying to finish today strong. Laundry calls. School starts next week so I need to spend some time planning our ridiculously ambitious lessons. At least dinner is already made. All I want to do is lie down and watch MI-5, my new obsession.... oh, AND write a post about my appreciation for the pastey-white Englishman.

But I'm a wife and a mom. I can get away with slowing down a little, but I can't stop entirely if, for no other reason than I don't want a bigger mess to clean up when I'm better. The most I can do is beg for God's mercy and put one foot in front of the other.

What is that Elizabeth Elliot quote? "Do the next thing." This shall be my mantra for the rest of the day.

Their Feet Were Not at Home

“Now it came to pass, afterward, that He went through every city and village, preaching and bringing the glad tidings of the kingdom of God. And the twelve were with Him, and certain women who had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities- Mary called Magdelene, out of whom had come seven demons, and Joanna the wife of Chuza, Herod’s steward, and Susanna, and many others who provided for Him from their substance.”

Luke 8:1-3

A few weeks ago, we commemorated the Feast of Saint Mary Magdalene, the Myrrh-bearer and Equal-to-the-Apostles. The Church’s lectionary for today includes the reading above. Luke speaks of Mary, Joanna, and Susanna by name, as well as “many others” who provided for Christ from their own substance. The typical explanation that I’ve heard is that these women supported Jesus financially. Obviously, they left their homes and followed Him, just as his male disciples did. Some of them, like Joanna, had husbands and the Holy Scriptures make no mention of these men being disciples of Jesus. Why didn’t Jesus tell these women to go home and have a quiverfull of children?

Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin state that we have no examples of female missionaries in the Bible:

“We should give godly people honor for the worthy things they did and learn from their examples. But we should recognize that these godly women do not in fact feature in the Bible.” So Much More, pg. 262

Here, they are talking about contemporary female missionaries and how they went about doing a good thing in the wrong way. In other words, God can work good through sin. They go on to state that we do not see female missionaries in the Bible. Am I misunderstanding the quote? They seem to ignore Church history with this statement as we know of many “biblical” women who went on to proclaim the Good News or to serve Christ’s Church in a position of leadership:

Mary the Mother of God, Mary Magdelene, Joanna, Susanna, Photini (the Samaritan woman at the well), Priscilla, Junia, Salome, Mary and Martha of Bethany, and Phoebe the Deaconess to name a few.

And they certainly ignore the hundreds of women canonized by the Church within its first 1,000 years of existence. Part of what I am trying to do here is to show that women played a major role in the founding of the Church, its spread, and its continued existence.

Such emphasis is placed on varying points in history where women behaved as patriocentrists think they should- the Reformation, the Victorian and Edwardian eras, the Antebellum South… but like it or not, there WAS a church before Martin Luther came on the scene. I would like to see any patriocentrist stand before any one of the women I’ve mentioned here and tell them that their lives flew in the face of the “gospel-centered doctrine of biblical patriarchy.” Tell that to those women whom Christ allowed to travel with Him and fund His ministry. Tell that to those women whom the Apostles’ sent out as missionaries or ordained as deaconesses. Tell that to the women who were in the Upper Room on the Day of Pentecost and received the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues in the same manner as the men.

Now, I am NOT trying to argue that any of these women were egalitarian feminists or that they would even agree with either side of the whole comp/egal debate. Not at all! What I am trying to say is that they don’t fit the patriarchal paradigm. They would likely be rejected by these patriarchal groups or cast aside as “non-normative.”

I like what Anne has to say about this- “I refuse to make women something less than my God does.” He made some of them “equal-to-the-apostles.” The Twelve made some of them missionaries and deaconesses. The Holy Spirit made some of them martyrs.

We are all members of One Body and we are not all meant to be the same body part. I think its a shame that patriarchalists think women should all be the same body part while men fill in all the other body parts. I guess I missed that section in Paul’s epistles.

Kristen's Raw Giveaway!

As some of you know, I'm a wannabe raw foodist and I LOVE Kristen Suzanne's blog: Kristen's Raw. I've never made a recipe of hers that I didn't LOVE! She's doing a giveaway of ALL of her ebooks. What a tremendous resource!! Enter here:

http://tiny.cc/rmb39

From Iconoclast to Iconophile

I originally wrote this blog post back in November of last year, so its a little out of date. However, to change anything in the post would betray the flavor and the feeling of what I wrote. So here goes:

Kursk-Root Icon (c. 13th Century)

I used to be a pretty hardcore iconoclast. I believed that any image, whether carved, painted, sculpted, or “written” was a violation of the Second Commandment. The commandment does not simply forbid the worship of images, but their very making as well. I’d go over to Heather’s house and feel all uncomfortable because she had so many “idols” hanging around. I was mortified that she had her children color line drawings of icons. I was content with the barren, white walls of my Reformed church, but at the same time, acutely aware of the double standard when it came to flannel graphs and illustrated Bibles used in Sunday School.

Of course, my iconoclasm formed completely out of ignorance and a prideful unwillingness to consider the actual Orthodox teachings regarding icons.

If you invited me to venerate an icon of the Theotokos back in July, I would have laughed in your face and been offended by the invitation. But God has worked a wonder in my heart and in my mind. He has changed my mind, about everything, but most especially, the beautiful spiritual reality of icons.

Heather visited me one night soon after I started really considering Orthodoxy. She showed me images of weeping icons and I watched in awe. There is no scientific explanation for the phenomenon. An icon is simply wood and paint (or a print with glue). The wood is not so thick so as to hide some kind of mechanical doo-dad used to make the icon spew myrrh. They just do it. God performs a miracle. Its as simple as that. I found myself very impressed by weeping icons. They actually testified to me of the truth of Orthodoxy, in a small but significant way.

The other day, I found out about the Kursk Root icon which was being venerated at the Serbian Orthodox Church in Irvine. Not a weeping icon, but a wonder-working icon! And this icon is old- 750 years and maybe more. As I read about its history, I became more and more intrigued. I knew I had to see it (cuz its old!) and to venerate it (cuz its holy!).

I arrived at this little mission church last night and quickly found myself surrounded by Orthodox Christians of all stripes- Serbians, Russians, Greeks, Antiochians, some head covering, most not, priests in cassocks with big bushy beards, male laity with big bushy beards, children, babies, families, people with bags of icons for blessing, folks from St. Paul’s, non-English speakers, the elderly… we all had one thing in common: devotion to the Theotokos. God has healed many people, spiritually and physically, by using this icon, including St. Seraphim of Serov. I was overwhelmed to be there.

The clergy and choir performed (I know that’s not the right word, but I’m not sure what else to use) the Akathist Hymn to the Theotokos. I’ve never heard this service before, but I understood from Heather that its just beautiful. And it is. I can’t really describe the affect that hearing this service had on my heart… but for the first time, I felt real genuine love for the Theotokos. I felt that I knew her. I felt real devotion.

And to be surrounded by people who had such an incredible understanding of what it meant to be in the presence of this incredible piece of church history- something that God has used for 700 years to heal people and to forge a deeper spiritual connection. Some people cried during the Akathist. Many people bowed before this icon and lay their heads upon it when they stood to kiss it.

The whole evening was incredibly moving for me. I am so glad I went. I was able to go alone which meant that I didn’t have to run after kids and that I could actually concentrate and pray during the service. I only wish I had known to bring my icons or my prayer rope to be laid upon the icon and blessed.

Even as I write this, I am stunned by my own words. The Lord has brought me so far these past three months. I am completely shocked. I can honestly say that, for the first time in my life, I actually have a real relationship with God. I know that He loves me. I am certain of it. I now know the plan he has for my life- to be united with Him and commune with Him. When I pray, I believe he is listening. There is a purpose and a fervency to my prayers that has never before been present. When I was a Calvinist, I saw no point to prayer. Why pray? It doesn’t change anything. We pray because God commanded us to, but it really has no effect on anything.

I am ashamed to have once believed that. I do not know how I lived without regular prayer.

My deepest desire is to join the Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church this upcoming Pascha. My most fervent prayer is for my husband to come alongside me and that we can raise our children in the Church. I long to be a full member of Christ’s Church- to consume His Body and Blood… Heather said to me a few weeks ago: “You know, we have never ever had the Eucharist. We have never truly taken communion.” Those words pierced my soul because she was right.

As time goes on, as I learn and experience more, and as I see how my life and spirit have changed as a result of embracing Orthodoxy, I become more and more certain of its truth. This is the Church. I must be there.

O Most Holy Mother of God, intercede with your son on my behalf! You know my heart, O Mother of all Christians. I desire with all that is in me to be united with your Son. Pray for me!

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us.

Learning to Love the Mother of God

If you’ve read my story below about the loss of my first child six years ago now, you’ll know how deeply her death affected me. It was really the catalyst for a lot of mental and emotional rewiring in my heart and in my head. I haven’t been the same since. There is no pain in the world like losing a child, especially when there isn’t a darn thing you can do about it. No matter how much you pray, no matter what you decide, no matter what treatments the doctors try to give, the prognosis will always be death. I wouldn’t wish the kind of pain we went through on my worst enemy.

No parent should have to bury their child.

Just over a year later, my very oldest and best friend went through the same thing with her latest pregnancy. The diagnosis for her baby was terminal as well. She had to bury her most beloved and wanted baby Sarah. I’d just passed the year anniversary of my own daughter’s death and to go through this with my best friend was absolutely devastating. If I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy, imagine how it feels to have your best friend go through this hell.

No parent should have to bury their child.

A little over a month after Sarah’s death, my dad died. My very dear, beloved grandma (my dad’s mom) told us both (my friend and me) that now she understood the pain we felt when we lost our children. She had to bury her son. She was like us now… a loss mom.

There is an emptiness in the heart of a loss mom that no words can describe…

Fast forward nearly six years… The walls of my hardened heart have collapsed and I am an open vessel, willing and ready to embrace Orthodoxy with my heart and soul. But there was Mary, venerated and adored by the Orthodox, something my Calvinistic sensibilities still fought against, even though I no longer held to those beliefs.

There she was- the Mother of God. The new Ark of the Covenant. The second Eve. The ideal Christian- the one who first fully embraced Christ for who he was, heart and soul. She, who contained God in her womb! More honorable than the Cherubim and more glorious beyond compare than the Seraphim. How could I possibly relate to this most blessed of women?

It hit me one day as I meditated on her. She had lost her own Son. She, who had nursed him, comforted him, taught him, fed him, sang him to sleep every night… he died. She knew it was going to happen. She didn’t try to stop Him. She simply treasured her knowledge in her heart. She loved Him more than anything or anyone in the world. Even though she knew He would rise again on the third day, she stood at the foot of His cross and wept. She saw His pain and prayed for him.

Mary, the blessed Theotokos, buried her child… as my grandma buried hers… as my best friend buried hers… as I buried mine.

Mary knows what it is like to lose a child and yet hope in the resurrection. She is a loss mom, like me. And she is now so very dear. She is teaching me so much of grief, hope, and perseverance. Even though Jesus is alive, he had ascended into heaven and she was left to live out the rest of her days without her precious son. In a way, she still lost him. But she continued on. She ministered to people. She told people of her hope and her joy. She is much beloved and has so much to teach all of us who have suffered this kind of pain.
Thank you, O Theotokos, for the life of faith you lived and for the strength you showed all of those who came to know you. Pray for us loss moms, you who understand our hearts. Hold our dear, departed children in your arms, O Mother of God, for they have found a home in you.

A Skeptic Encounters a Miracle

Today I experienced something rare and blessed.

In general, I am a skeptic of modern day miracles, even within the context of the Orthodox faith I have embraced. I think my Reformed heritage has caused me to approach such claims with pause and a desire to either prove the miracle was a fake or that there was some explanation other than God behind it. The term "miracle" is so overused in modern America and, indeed, all over the world. I think we are right to be skeptical.

Last September, I was introduced to the miracle of the myrrh-streaming icon. Heather showed me pictures on google of these icons that "weeped" myrrh, or some substance like it. These icons are heavily examined before they are revealed to the people. There is no explanation for why myrrh seems to exude from these icons. I can't imagine how it could be faked, although I'm sure it has been. But the ones I saw looked real enough and that actually made a pretty big impression on me.

But still... "I'll believe it when I see it," I thought.

Today, I saw it. There is a rather famous copy of the icon "Mother of God of Iveron" that started to stream myrrh in Hawaii several years ago. This icon is truly rare because it is not even painted- it is a print that is decoupaged onto wood. The icon has been streaming myrrh for over ten years. It is kept in a case so that those who venerate it don't end up kissing oily myrrh. At the end of the services, the icon is taken out of its case and swabbed with cotton or Qtips, depending on who is doing the swabbing. The oily myrrh is then used to bless those who have come to see this miracle.

Although the scent is not so strong now, I still smell of roses.

Here is something I love about the Orthodox Church: miracles like this are not hidden away so that only the privileged few can see them. In a sense, these miracles belong to the people and not just one person. We are the Church, the Body of Christ. We are the keepers of this great heritage, the Faith once for all delivered to the saints. This icon is brought to churches all over the world. The church I visited today is so small that its basically a room in a corporate business park. But the faithful gather week after week to participate in the Divine Liturgy and to receive the Eucharist. And we were all blessed by the Mother of God through this icon.

I have provided a link that tells the story of this icon if anyone is interested:

http://www.orthodoxhawaii.org/icons.html