Making Peace

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God."

Matthew 5:9

Making peace is really hard.  I am not a peaceful person.  I like to pick fights, especially theological ones.  When I believe something, I defend it voraciously and oftentimes, I have a hard time seeing past disagreements.  I forget that the person with whom I am arguing is also an image-bearer of God and therefore worthy of my honor and respect.  They may be wrong, but it isn't necessarily my place to tell them so.  There is a VERY fine line to be drawn between standing up for the truth and keeping the peace.  Probably 9.5 times out of 10, keeping the peace is more important.

I've been reading Jim Forrest's exceptional book, The Ladder of the Beatitudes, and his most lengthy chapter is on making peace.  He quotes Presvytera Denise Jillions at length and I think her words are so appropriate here:

"To be a peacemaker, however tiny or great the issue and the stakes- I have in mind one of my sons being willing to let the other pour his orange juice first rather than fight over it- is always heroic, is always reminiscent of the cross and the sacrifice of Christ and his courage to appear weak.  He could have called legions of angels to rescue him and fight at the moment, but instead he chose to ask the Father's forgiveness for his enemies.  Being a peacemaker is hardly popular with people who are sparring to win, it really takes all the 'fun' out of it and can be denigrated as 'wimpy' or foolish.  Also, being a peacemaker is different than being an 'appeaser,' not making waves, not standing up for truth.  Just as the idea of 'keeping the peace' in a dysfunctional way be confused with being a peacemaker.  On the other hand, choosing to deny oneself and avoid a conflict originating in willfulness and selfishness is also peacemaking, or rather, 'war prevention.' Its a hornet's nest."

~Ladder of the Beatitutdes, pg. 126, 127

Jim Forrest continues:

Sometimes Christ's peace seems especially absent among his followers.  We don't simply disagree with one another on many topics, but we often despise those who hold what we regard as false or heretical views.  Disagreement may be necessary- the defense of truth is a virtue- but hatred is a grave sin.  Most often it isn't truth we battle for but opinion, vindication of our irritation with someone else, or just the desire to have things our own way.

 ~pg 127

May God have mercy on me!  I've been guilty of this kind of "hatred" more times then I can count- even tonight!  I don't want to be like that.  I WANT to pray for my enemies.  I WANT to love them and live at peace with them.  Heck, most of my "enemies" are not enemies at all!  They are just people who have made choices I don't agree with.  But still, I am called to live in peace with them.

"Christ says we must love our enemies and pray for them.  The two go together.  You will never love anyone you don't pray for.  Prayer opens a channel inside us to participate in God's love for the other person."

Far from loving our opponents, as Christ commands us to do, it often happens that we don't even respect them or try to understand them or consider that it may not be they who are wrong.  Even if they happen to be dead wrong, there may be ways in which our attitude or response keeps them from changing their mind or way of life.

 Our own failure to love is a major part of the problem.

 ~pg. 127 - 128

Does being a peacemaker mean being a pushover?  In some cases, it probably does.  I'm still learning how to be in this world.  I'll probably spend the rest of my life trying to master the art of being a peacemaker and figuring out what that means in my day-to-day struggles.  But it is so worth it... "for they shall be called children of God."

 

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

I've been off meds for a few months now.  The past few days have made me wonder if discontinuing them was such a good idea.  I want to tough this out.  I want to use the tools the Church has given to me work through this and to come around to the other side a stronger and more holy person.  I will not let this master me.

God help me!  Here is where the rubber meets the road.

My Blog Non-Stalker

I've participated in a group blog for the past 3 years or so.  When we first started blogging, we wanted to expose the false teaching of people we considered to be "patriocentrists"- people who believed that everything involved in family life should center around the father of the home.  Children, especially daughters, could not have any interests of their own; they must make their father's interests their interests.  Wives should center their daily agendas around the father's goals and needs and not the needs of the household.  Daughters shouldn't go to college because they were needed at home to continue to assist their father in his agenda for them and for their home.  For sons, college seems to be an okay option, but preferably he will join his father in the family entrepreneurial enterprise so that he will never have to assist another man outside the family in dominion-taking.

Patriocentrism isn't your average evangelical complementarianism.  Its far, far to the right of that with an agenda that is ultimately legalistic, ungodly and dangerous.  Our blog was our attempt to engage in the discussion and expose this false teaching and to figure out where we stood theologically. 

Eventually, we got it all out of our system and stopped writing.  I don't think where was a regular post on the blog for over a year until I opened it back up in July.

I started a series of posts highlighting the role that women Saints have played in the life of the Orthodox Church from the beginning.  These women are routinely dismissed as non-normative or even rebellious jezebels because they did not marry, bear children, and keep sweet.  Women as deaconesses or "equal-to-the-apostles?"  May it never be!  I understand that these saints ARE non-normative and that's why they are Saints.  But the Church gives them to us as role-models and people we are to strive to emulate and become like, however that may work out in our own lives. 

In order to do this, I had to confess my conversion to Orthodox Christianity.  Not a big deal.  I'm not ashamed of it, obviously.  I actually received emails from people telling me they were interested in knowing more about the Church.  Yay!  I'm trying to help those people as best I can.  Some people were very gracious in telling me that while they disagreed with the direction I took, they still respect the Church and consider me a sister in Christ.

But one person, who has loooooong hated us for reasons unknown, has got her panties in a wad over this whole thing.  She actually started a whole blog where she can argue with herself about us.  She regularly posts flat out factual LIES about us (i.e. my confessing Christian co-blogger is actually a secret Buddhist) ,as well as her conspiracy theories about how I've been Orthodox all along but I was trying to hide it.  This is a person who refuses to accept the distinction between icons and statues.  She is willfully ignorant about Orthodox Christianity- in this, I mean that she THINKS she knows what the Church teaches about a whole hosts of subjects and will not accept correction when documented evidence is provided to her which proves that she is incorrect.

Now, this woman is notorious in the whole blogosphere "patriarchy/patriocentricity" debate  as being unstable and unteachable.  She claims she was vilified on the blog a few years ago, but my co-bloggers and I can't find evidence of what she is talking about.  This is where her grudge comes from.  I wish I could help her in that or understand why she hates us so much.

(As an aside, I realize that I am getting a small taste of my own medicine here.  We weren't always that kind on the blog either.  I understand that and now I empathize with those people that we judged wrongly.  It can be quite annoying, if not painful, to see your words twisted to mean something completely different than what you intended.  And it never feels good to be unfairly judged.  May God forgive me for those times I was guilty of that.)

This experience with her has been a particular refining tool for me because I sooooooo want to argue with her.  I can't stand being lied about.  I can't stand the blatant and intentional misrepresentation of the Church.  But as I said in one of my posts- the Church has been around for 2,000 years and I don't need to defend it to someone who isn't going to hear me anyway.  The information is out there and if people are foolish enough to take her word for it and not seek out the information for themselves, well, there isn't much I can do about that.

I believe God has called me to silence where this person is concerned.  I want to love her.  I want to be concerned for her welfare.  At this point, I don't and am not.  May God help me in this.  Right now, I just want her to go away.  Instead of torturing myself with clandestine visits to her blog, I banned myself.  I even made it so that I can't physically see her blog even if I wanted to.  And I feel tremendous peace about that.

I can relate to her in this: there was a time when I believed that I needed to proclaim "truth" at any cost.  Even after being shown that I was wrong, I refused to accept it and I persisted in my error.  Because TRUTH was more important than people or relationships or anything and it didn't matter who I steamrolled as long as the truth was out there.

Truth is important.  I"m not saying we shouldn't proclaim truth at the risk of offending people.  But deliberately offending people with what you think is the truth isn't the way to go about it.  Hope that makes sense.

So, Lord, today in liturgy, let me pray along with my brothers and sisters for the who love me and those who hate me.  And let me really mean it.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me!

Coming Around

When I converted to Orthodox Christianity a year ago, I converted alone. My husband was facing some difficulties at the time, so I did not share my new thinking or my conversion with him at first. Of course, this turned out to be a big mistake. Instead of trusting him with the information, I assumed he wouldn't be able to handle it and I moved on full steam ahead toward joining the church.

How did he find out? My friend Heather gave me a small icon of Christ and I would have it out during my daily prayers. I put it away every day so my husband wouldn't see it- not because I thought he'd make me get rid of it or confront me about it. He was in the throws of a deep depression and I knew that he believed that icons were a violation of the Second Commandment. I didn't want to burden him with it. This is the honest truth. I was trying to protect him.

MISTAKE!!

One day, I left it out on accident. Obviously, he saw it, but he didn't say anything. I bought a few more icons at the Greek Festival and up at St. Sophia's. But I wasn't forthcoming about it. I tried to be Orthodox under the radar. Eventually, we talked about it. It shouldn't surprise anyone that this hurt him deeply. It has caused a real strain in our marriage. I totally see now that I was wrong to be discreet. In trying to do the right thing, I ended up hurting the person I love most in the world.

Over the past year, we've had our struggles. I started going to the inquirer's class at my church. We left our former church because of personal reasons not pertaining to Orthodoxy. Eventually, my husband and I met with my priest to talk about whether or not I would join the catechumenate. My husband gave me his blessing- and not just for me to join the Church, but for the children as well.

In spite of how I hurt him, he has never stood in my way, even if he wanted to and often, at his own personal expense. I now try to be especially sensitive to his needs and feelings when it comes to Church activities. I have never pressured him to become Orthodox, although he does attend Divine services with us. I don't want to write too much about where he is spiritually. Its not my place to write about him in public.

But rejoice with me! He has agreed to come to the inquirer's class at church! Honestly, I was certain that I blew any chance of him coming to the class because of the way I have handled things in the past. But he's coming. I can't believe it. God is so good. Please pray for him and for us. To have this rift in our lives together... to not be one united family is very difficult. To be chrismated apart from my husband was bittersweet. To see him, Lord willing, anointed with holy chrism will be a miracle and possibly my wildest dream come true.

We're not there yet. I don't want to jump the gun but I am hopeful.

The Homekeeper's Journal

Sometimes I feel a bit of resentment when I don't get a weekend. My DH gets to lay around all weekend, but I still have to work. Its definitely lame that this bothers me. By God's mercy, I'll get over it!

Why is it so difficult for me to get the heck off the computer and do my housework?

1 Chronicles 16:11 tells me to commit to my prayer rule and to deliberately meet the Lord by praying the Hours.

1 Peter 5:8 warns me to be vigilant, especially in prayer, because Satan IS out to destroy me.

I am going to pray and ask for strength to thrive, not just survive, in my vocation as a wife and mother.

The difficult thing that seems to catch me constantly off guard is my martyr complex. I so need to get over myself. And when I really sit down and think about how self-obsessed I am, I become more and more disturbed.

James 1:12 tells me to endure temptation.

I am determined to get myself and my children off the computer!!

Multitude Monday

1. My family is my greatest gift. I can hear my children playing as I write this. I can feel my husband's love as he works downtown. I am enveloped by the love of God as I am loved by my family.

2. A year ago, after being a Christian nearly all my life, I realized that God loves me. After spending ten years of my life believing I was just one of the lucky "frozen chozen", I realized that God loves everyone and that He desires a relationship with everyone... but a love relationship doesn't just go one way. We have to accept His love and we are able to do that because we are made in His image.

3. I am grateful I am able to homeschool freely.

4. My mattress topper is so wonderful. We got this thing seven years ago and I still love it. Never want to let it go. I'm actually able to sleep.

5. Coffee. Need I say more?

6. My church. St. Paul's Greek Orthodox Church has adopted my family and has loved us completely. They truly do "make love [their] aim."

7. Magic wrap skirts. Feminine. Hippy. Comfy. Airy. I'd throw out the rest of my wardrobe if I could as long as these skirts still remained. Love em.

8. Air conditioning. Its not that hot outside, but I'm hot. Being able to cool off the house so I'm not distracted by the discomfort I feel when I'm hot is a true blessing.

9. Advil. I have a headache again today. Again. And Advil will make it go away. Again.

10. The soft piano music playing on Ann Voskamp's blog. Brings me right back to center and reminds me how nice it is to have peace and quiet amongst the chaos.

Off Meds

I realized this afternoon that everything I post here gets automatically posted on my Facebook account. Well, we'll see how long I leave that up. I don't want EVERYONE I know to know the truth about me.

And the truth is... I'm nuts. Honestly, most people already know this.

Nuts is probably too strong a word. I've suffered from depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder for years. About two years ago, I finally started taking medication for it. Honestly, this was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I could think. I could order my day. The anxiety stopped taking over and I was able, not just to function, but to thrive! It seemed a true miracle.

A year ago, another miracle happened. I converted to Orthodox Christianity. This conversion forever changed my life and for the better. I found a more holistic faith- one concerned with mind, soul, and body... a faith whose emphasis rests on the healing and restoration of the soul (aka- salvation) rather than on how many different ways you've offended God and how lucky you are that he arbitrarily loved you (and not the guy next to you) and decided to save you.

The Church has been called a hospital and its practices, the prescription. We all take the same "pills"- prayer, fasting, caring for the poor. Some take extra medicine which is specific for their own unique affliction.

What does this have to do with my crazy? A lot, actually. I don't want to take my meds anymore. I forget to take them regularly. I'm not a good pill person. I know I need to set my alarm and take them at the same time every day blah blah blah... but getting into that routine has proven ridiculously difficult for me.

So, I haven't taken them for over a week now. And guess what? I'm fine! I feel neither crushing depression or paralyzing anxiety. What I do feel is a greater awareness of my own sinful thoughts and attitudes. I know that I have a shorter temper with my loved ones. I know that I get offended a bit more easily. I know that its more difficult to turn off the snark.

But do I really need medication to take care of that stuff? I mean, medication in the form of a physical pill? Or can I accept the Church's medication and let that try to heal my soul. What I mentioned in the last paragraph- those are issues that a lot of non-depressed people struggle with. And, if they are seeking to grow in their love for God and/or for others, they find ways to deal with it.

So, I'm experimenting with myself. I have nothing against psychotropic meds. In fact, I'm a big fan of them for people who really need them. I could very well be one of those people and I have no problem going back on meds if I think I need to. But I am encouraged in this- my husband has been one of the biggest proponents of my meds. I'm very sensitive to them in that, if I miss a day, it is very noticeable. Mark can always tell if I haven't taken them because I go immediately from regular me to crazy me overnight.

Not this time though. He says I've been doing really well. I can feel his support. I draw comfort from him when I struggle and I think this brings us closer together.

I had a minor meltdown yesterday. I do get overwhelmed a bit more easily. We were trying to get out of the house and I was being pulled in five different directions. Multitasking is a bit of a challenge for me, but I'm learning. Anyway, I got overwhelmed and started to cry. I hid in my bedroom for 5 minutes and let it out. Somehow, I was able to calm down and get some perspective on what was happening. With Mark's help and encouragement (and unending patience!), I got up off my bed and finished what needed to be done.

I'm proud of that.

So, we shall see. Can a med-less life be done? Should it be done? I don't know. But I'm going to try and I think I'm on the right track.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!