Laryngitis!

It all started with nasty drainage running from my sinuses and down my throat. No congestion. No nasty feeling. Just drainage and a lot of hocking. Slight sore throat.

And then, yesterday, I started getting hoarse. Still hocking. My right tonsil is freakin' HUGE! No pain though. At this point in the evening, I can barely talk. Not good considering I'm a mom of two active kids under 5.

I bought some Traditional Medicinals Throat Coat Tea. I sure hope it helps because this really sucks!

Recovering Pessimist

So, I "failed" today. I ate some homemade sourdough bread... a few bites of mac and cheese... and some iced coffee. I spent way too much money at Target. I feel terrible. I want to cry about it. I want to wallow in it. Same old Jennifer- can't stick to anything. No discipline. Might as well go back to the old way of living- three coffees a day, only sugar till noon.

I want to give up.

But...

I won't. I'm tired of giving up. I'm tired of being "all or nothing". I'm tired of slipping up and then giving up. How am I ever going to get anywhere? How am I ever going to become the person I want to be- the great mom, supportive wife, the eco-goddess, the healthy, energetic, positive person I struggle so hard to be- if I give up? If I give up, I won't ever have the chance to get better.

The answer is to persevere. The answer is to accept where I am today, the "mistakes" I made, and move on. Keep going.

Remembering my affirmation from yesterday: Perfectionism never served anybody. Do what you can. As long as you are doing you're best, you have nothing to feel bad about. You are not behind! Jump right in!

Did I do my best today? No. Can I change anything I have already done? No. Will feeling bad about it serve anyone? Of course not. In fact, feeling bad about it will no doubt find its way into my relationships with others. I get frustrated, largely with myself and my own failures, and then I take it out on others. I am short with my children. I get paralyzed and fool around instead of getting off my butt and doing something about it.

No more! Seriously! You have to "start on the inside and work your way out"

I really like the way Kris puts it- eat your veggies and shake your as%. Its really very simple. DO IT, for crying out loud! Don't piss and moan when you screw up. Did I "fail" with my food today? Yes. Remedy? Go make a green juice. Did I "fail" in keeping my house picked up today? Yes. Remedy? Set the timer and work 5 minutes in each room until its picked up enough that I can relax. Did I "fail" in mothering my kids? Yes. Remedy? Hug them. Kiss them. Love on them. And apologize.

One.

Step.

At a time.

I am not behind! I will jump in where I am at! Perfectionism never served anybody!

And FTR- I swore up and down that I didn't have a gluten sensitivity, but I basically haven't had any since Monday. Well, I felt full and CRAPPY after eating the bread this morning. WTF!! I guess I really do need to give it up. Ah well, no big deal. And the coffee? I've had 1/2 a grande and my fingers won't stop shaking. Haven't had any since Sunday (or Saturday?) and my sensitivity to it has gone way up.

Kris, the cleanse is WORKING!! In spite of all my "cheating"- I am learning things about the way my body responds to food and I love it. Its actually very motivating!!

Potty Mouth

I confess. I have a potty mouth. It gets worse when I don't take my meds... like right now. I want to swear so bad on this blog... but I won't (unless by accident). You don't know how much restraint I've already shown ;-)

Cleansing while Broke

So, I'm broke until the 19th. I really can't go out and buy groceries without charging it until that date.

Holy Frak!

How can I start a cleanse with mostly fresh, raw veggies on Monday when I can't afford to buy lettuce? Well, basically, I'm going to do the best I can. There's an ethnic market close to use that sells Romaine heads 3 for a dollar. Three pounds of apples for a dollar... 5 bunches of parsley for a dollar... and the stuff is okay in quality too. The veggies are better than the fruit, but beggars can't be choosers... literally.

I have enough supplies to make green smoothies for a few days. I won't be able to juice until Wednesday. Kinda makes me wish I'd bought more kale while I was ignorant of our financial situation this morning at Mother's. I did get my flat of wheatgrass so I'm set there. Yay! I've bought liver detox tea and green teas so I can have my hot bevvie in the morning.

How am I going to eat 70% raw on no money?? I really have to make due with what I have and really get the most out of it. There's no throwing away ANYTHING and if I have to live off of celery/lemon juice, so be it. I can't eat pasta, but I can eat up the brown rice, wild rice, quinoa, and millet that's been sitting in my pantry for a while. I have to make everything count.

The bottom line is this: I WILL NOT BE STOPPED! I am determined to make this change in my life. This is it. Do or die! No more messing around.

I've called Kris my guru for the past few years, ever since I first saw CSC on TLC. She's giving us this great gift, this great opportunity to change our lives while she guides us. I won't be put off because I suck at managing money.

Plus, there's always the dreaded CC... AND I can sell my vita mix 3600 now, so that can fund my groceries. I wonder if there's anything else of value I can hock so that I can do this cleanse... and feed my family too ;-)

Any ideas?

Shopping Lists!!

Kris posted the Adventure Cleanse shopping list this morning! I am SO excited. I think I'm finally going to spring for some of the stuff I've always wanted to try, but never have:

Chia and Hemp seeds
Some kind of Green Powder- probably what is sold at TJ's
Hemp Powder

I plan on getting a flat of wheatgrass too. What's the point of having a wheatgrass juicer if you're not going to use it. I'll have to clean out my fridge to fit the flat in... but cleaning out the fridge is never EVER a bad thing. Looks like I'll be cleaning more then my colon.

Speaking of cleaning, I'm going to start another "Spring Cleaning" adventure today.



Speaking of, I'd better do-it-to-it and stop sitting here writing about it...

Moving Along...

I'm basically convinced that my biggest flaw is a total lack of self-discipline. I have sworn up and down that I will go raw or vegan or do the Master Cleanse or juice with my blender... I go for maybe a day and then BAM! I'm off the wagon and eating the crap. I'm obsessed with food, but that doesn't seem to help me very much. All I've eaten today are some Good N Plenties, Chocolate, toast, and coffee. Not great. I have a fridge full of greens, fruit, KALE (my favorite), fresh salsa... all that great stuff, but I'm sitting here drinking my third cup of coffee, feeling sorry for myself, and trying to get up enough energy to start my day.

And its 2pm.

I have clinical depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder for which I've been in therapy or taking meds for the past five years. I've been off the meds for a week now. Haven't had any major freakouts, so that's good. I didn't make a conscious decision to stop taking them. Mostly I just forget to take them.

Anyway, I have five things to look forward to in the next two weeks. (Here's my attempt to go all positive...)

1. I FINALLY ordered my Blendtec on Wednesday last week. It should arrive by Friday of next week. Woohoo! No excuses now. None.

2. Sometime this week, I'll be done working for good. I can finally concentrate on my home without the divided loyalties.

3. My mom comes home from her visit to Indiana next week. Can't wait to see her!!

4. The ADVENTURE CLEANSE starts in just over a week. Can. Not. Wait.

5. Worldfest 2009!! Can't wait to see Kathy Freston, Colleen Patrick-Goudreau, and Ani Phyo out there while, hopefully, devouring loads of great "adventure cleanse" approved foods.

Oooh, this reminds me. I need to order my Enema bag. Great. Can't wait for that. Will I have the guts to actually do an enema? We'll see.

And speaking of ordering things, I need to order my husband's insulin... so I'm gonna go. Will hopefully be back blogging again real soon.