Monday, May 18, 2009

Recovering Pessimist

So, I "failed" today. I ate some homemade sourdough bread... a few bites of mac and cheese... and some iced coffee. I spent way too much money at Target. I feel terrible. I want to cry about it. I want to wallow in it. Same old Jennifer- can't stick to anything. No discipline. Might as well go back to the old way of living- three coffees a day, only sugar till noon.

I want to give up.


I won't. I'm tired of giving up. I'm tired of being "all or nothing". I'm tired of slipping up and then giving up. How am I ever going to get anywhere? How am I ever going to become the person I want to be- the great mom, supportive wife, the eco-goddess, the healthy, energetic, positive person I struggle so hard to be- if I give up? If I give up, I won't ever have the chance to get better.

The answer is to persevere. The answer is to accept where I am today, the "mistakes" I made, and move on. Keep going.

Remembering my affirmation from yesterday: Perfectionism never served anybody. Do what you can. As long as you are doing you're best, you have nothing to feel bad about. You are not behind! Jump right in!

Did I do my best today? No. Can I change anything I have already done? No. Will feeling bad about it serve anyone? Of course not. In fact, feeling bad about it will no doubt find its way into my relationships with others. I get frustrated, largely with myself and my own failures, and then I take it out on others. I am short with my children. I get paralyzed and fool around instead of getting off my butt and doing something about it.

No more! Seriously! You have to "start on the inside and work your way out"

I really like the way Kris puts it- eat your veggies and shake your as%. Its really very simple. DO IT, for crying out loud! Don't piss and moan when you screw up. Did I "fail" with my food today? Yes. Remedy? Go make a green juice. Did I "fail" in keeping my house picked up today? Yes. Remedy? Set the timer and work 5 minutes in each room until its picked up enough that I can relax. Did I "fail" in mothering my kids? Yes. Remedy? Hug them. Kiss them. Love on them. And apologize.



At a time.

I am not behind! I will jump in where I am at! Perfectionism never served anybody!

And FTR- I swore up and down that I didn't have a gluten sensitivity, but I basically haven't had any since Monday. Well, I felt full and CRAPPY after eating the bread this morning. WTF!! I guess I really do need to give it up. Ah well, no big deal. And the coffee? I've had 1/2 a grande and my fingers won't stop shaking. Haven't had any since Sunday (or Saturday?) and my sensitivity to it has gone way up.

Kris, the cleanse is WORKING!! In spite of all my "cheating"- I am learning things about the way my body responds to food and I love it. Its actually very motivating!!

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